Diving In
If you’ve been reading along, you’ve surely noticed my anxiety about my life’s trajectory. I often feel I’m not doing enough to set me on the path I envisioned for myself. Why am I not in a rehearsal room? Why haven’t I written a play in a few years? What’s the block and how can I overcome it? Blah, blah, blah. So much complaining… and so much “me”!
In general, my life’s been feeling a bit like waving through a window. I can picture what it could look and feel like but I feel stuck in where it is. I know I need to make things happen for myself. But how?
I journal every day using the app Day One. I like it because I always have a journal on hand, no matter what device happens to be around, and I can look back and see how I’ve changed, if at all. It’s become an incredibly useful tool. And reading entries from this past week, I’m surprised by how often I’ve intentionally socialized. I also like to complain to myself about being lonely but of course much of that is because I don’t put the effort into hanging out with people. I actually took the leap and went out with a few friends recently, and the conversations we had clarified a fair bit. Thank god for the creative, empathetic people in my life.
Here are a few bits of wisdom shared by these friends that I found helpful:
You can’t rationalize yourself out of things. One friend observed that I have everything “figured out” to some degree. I can talk about the projects I’m interested in, the next steps I would have to take to make them happen, the insecurities I have and why they’re irrational… But all of that thinking gets me nowhere if I’m not actually acting on it. We can think ourselves in spirals all we like. At some point we have to attempt something, even if it means making mistakes. Gay gasp.
Do your best where you’re at. Another wise soul was talking about his career and how he feels about the impact he’s making in the world. While we both admitted there’s always something else out there that may or may not be more “ideal”, he noted we can get immense satisfaction in simply putting our best foot forward in whatever environment we’re in. Show up to work every day with the mindset of “How will I help others today?” There’s fulfilment to be found in the seemingly mundane.
Reorient yourself to other possible futures. While we’re doing whatever work we need to be doing right now, we can simultaneously set things in motion that benefit our future selves. I know that soon I’ll be getting back on the saddle and immersing myself in directing, for example. In the meantime I can set up meetings and talk to generous people who are in the thick of it. I can read and watch compelling plays. I can offer advice to others and find other entry points into the world, strengthening connections and familiarizing myself with the gaps. Again: actionable steps that can be taken now on the path to something larger.
People might not care, ‘cause they’ve got their own stuff. Sometimes that can be shocking (for me, at least 💁🏻♂️). And while we each bring something magical into the world — a unique perspective or a generous spirit — we certainly don’t need to think about if that magic is being noticed by others. People form their opinions, and, in the words of Mel Robbins, we let them. We’re all just trying to get by and do the best we can. It’s not just you out there struggling. We’re all in this together, and the art is about connection. Not ego.
Just like the small habit of reaching out to people helps me notice the benefits of living a life outside my apartment, writing this newsletter helps me envision a life with even more creative output. I’m also noticing that through writing these, I’m taking small steps related to the points listed above. To me it’s decent proof that simply doing the messy/cringey things we have in mind gives us momentum and gets us closer to the bigger goals we’ve always imagined for ourselves.
In a nutshell, pick up the brush, the keyboard, the violin… Do the thing that you love and try not to overanalyze the proper steps forward. Awkwardness and doubt are part of the journey.